Maybe I should title this how to begin or perhaps how it all started. I don't know if I want to share all the gory details of how I got to this point. It is pretty painful to me and most likely boring to most of you. It is however what has gotten me here to this point.
In the not so recent past, my husband decided he needed to reinvent himself and leave his newly formed family. He just decided to leave and not look back. He moved out without a conversation or discussion. It sounds so unfathomable, and I was left dumbfounded. I was expecting our second child in 2 months and he just up and leaves. I didn't know what to do, but allow myself to go through the stages of loss. Unfortunately, I am still going through some of those stages. It has been 2 years since he left and I still find myself in the dark crying why. I figure knowing why would help the pain so that I could fix myself or better yet protect myself.
However, that is not why I started this. I guess I just want to document my journey. So far I have been numb to my surroundings. I feel as if I need to reinvent myself or change in some way. But then I think am I just retaliating. Because to be honest, I don't want to be anything like him. I don't want to hurt those around me. I mean I made a commitment to those I love to protect, care, love, and provide for them. I can't just walk away from that. But I also know that I need something. Something to make me feel. Something to connect me to those around me. I am so tired of going through the motions only to find myself asking, "what am I doing here?" "Is this all I am?"
I feel broken. But more than broken...I feel smashed as if a vase that was just lifted up and then smashed into little pieces and walked away from like it had no value at all. I try to live in the moment which helps me pick up the pieces and try to glue them together, but then I'm just too wobbly to stick together. I've also tried to focus on work, but it gives me less and less joy. I try to focus on my little ones, but some days I feel more like a referee than someone that is in the game.
So where do I start, where do I go from here, what do I do to feel whole again???
I have decided that I need to start over. I need to throw away the vase. I need to hit the reset button and begin again.
