It takes time

Okay, so maybe I didn't hit the reset button as fast as I wanted.  Things sound great in my head and then when I go to do them, I get scared.  I am scared of a new beginning, scared of making mistakes, and most importantly scared of change.  I don't know if anyone else gets like this.  I guess you could say that in the flight-fight response I do neither.  I choose to stand still and hope nothing gets me.

Well I have made a few changes though.  I am trying not to spend as much time at work and trying to model a more well rounded approach to life.  This hasn't been as easy because my work makes me who I am.  I am slowly realizing that this is not the case.  I don't know why it is so easy to get lost in work.  But for me it is.  I have been home this entire summer though without working and I have been loving it.  I wish I could stay home a little longer.  This is the exact opposite of what usually happens.  I usually get so worked up over the summer and feel as if I have to have my work.  I don't know if it is my attitude or if I am just enjoying the little things or rather my little things.

I have really enjoyed watching them and being a part of their world and not having to feel as if I am just governing it.  It has been really fun to see.  I have been going with their schedules instead of mine and really enjoying the pace.  A friend of mine once said that once you have children you lose a piece of yourself.  I think this is so true.  I do not have anytime to myself.  In order to have time to myself, I have to wake up at 4 AM!!  So you know what I do.  I set the alarm and then cancel it!  I think I will have some ME time, but it will just have to be later.  Although this is kind of my 5 minutes of alone time.  That's enough right. 

Anyways, I am not sure where this is going to take me, but I know I need to be less scared and jump in with both feet.

Time for a change

Maybe I should title this how to begin or perhaps how it all started.  I don't know if I want to share all the gory details of how I got to this point.  It is pretty painful to me and most likely boring to most of you.  It is however what has gotten me here to this point.

In the not so recent past, my husband decided he needed to reinvent himself and leave his newly formed family.  He just decided to leave and not look back.  He moved out without a conversation or discussion.  It sounds so unfathomable, and I was left dumbfounded.  I was expecting our second child in 2 months and he just up and leaves.  I didn't know what to do, but allow myself to go through the stages of loss.  Unfortunately, I am still going through some of those stages.  It has been 2 years since he left and I still find myself in the dark crying why.  I figure knowing why would help the pain so that I could fix myself or better yet protect myself. 

However, that is not why I started this.  I guess I just want to document my journey.  So far I have been numb to my surroundings.  I feel as if I need to reinvent myself or change in some way.  But then I think am I just retaliating.  Because to be honest, I don't want to be anything like him.  I don't want to hurt those around me.  I mean I made a commitment to those I love to protect, care, love, and provide for them.  I can't just walk away from that.  But I also know that I need something.  Something to make me feel.  Something to connect me to those around me.  I am so tired of going through the motions only to find myself asking, "what am I doing here?"  "Is this all I am?" 

I feel broken.  But more than broken...I feel smashed as if a vase that was just lifted up and then smashed into little pieces and walked away from like it had no value at all.  I try to live in the moment which helps me pick up the pieces and try to glue them together, but then I'm just too wobbly to stick together.  I've also tried to focus on work, but it gives me less and less joy.  I try to focus on my little ones, but some days I feel more like a referee than someone that is in the game.

So where do I start, where do I go from here, what do I do to feel whole again???

I have decided that I need to start over.  I need to throw away the vase.  I need to hit the reset button and begin again.